Summary Of My Last Year On The Computer Options

[sin]

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their
cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face .. disfiguring me for
life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given
us.. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix
everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my
car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. Lice from 50 monkeys will infest your armpits
and other private areas, causing such itching you will not be allowed to
be in mixed company, because of your rude scratching patterns, I know this
will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy
study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual
activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

[maxnmike]

lol